in losing our mothers...

we lose way more than we realize.

Before my mother died, I always said that we weren't the closest nor did we have the best mother/daughter relationship. However, caring for her daily, meant there was a relationship despite it's moments of discord and my anger,  that sometimes came out in my interactions with her, at the disease that was destroying her mentally and physically. Since her death last March, thoughts about my mother cross my mind at least a few times a day, sometimes more if triggered by something specific. However, last weekend I was sick with a fever of 102, and even the smallest movement was painful. I thought about her a lot. I realized that in these times in the past my mother had always been there. Even the last years when she was wheelchair bound, and I would become sick thus staying in bed all day, she'd wheel in with questions of what she could to make me feel better. Even when I was sick on the other side of the world, she was there when I called her, with words of comfort. But not this weekend. Despite having a husband who was absolutely wonderful in trying to comfort me, it wasn't the same. It is however, this loss of our mothers early on, that allows for a special kind of understanding between my husband and I, that many of our friends can't fathom. This weekend while lying in bed thinking about how I'd like to call my mother up or yell for her from another room, I thought about all the other instances over the past year when I've needed to ask her a question, but couldn't. Little things we don't even think about until the moment is upon us like how much of an ingredient to put in a certain dish, or what do to do about a particular problem, or even just expressing my thoughts on something I had heard or read, and so much more. In a few weeks it will be a year since her death, and  it goes without saying that in losing our mothers, we lose so much.