into the new year

a few days ago I began a rant post about this elderly customer of mine who proceeded to tell me I was "in a situaton" when she asked me how I was going to celebrate "Jesus's birthday" and I responded "I don't really celebrate Christmas." My response was encompassing both the chaotic commercialistic and materialistic aspect as well as the religious one. Before I could finish the post we left to run errands and as the day wore on, my bitch-fest about said customer no longer seemed important. Because really it all boils down to Larry David's pitch in the movie Whatever Works. Whatever gets you through your day. Whatever works. This customer will continue to believe what she will, and I will continue to believe or rather unbelieve what I will.

Anyhow it's a few days into the new year, and I'm looking for this one to be a little brighter and better than the last one. With that said, yesterday, we had to drive down to my hometown for me to do the final review of the settling of my mother's estate with the clerk of court. I would rather have a nose bleed. All day. Despite the seemingly unthreading of the plan to wrap everything up yesterday, it all went well. Thanks to an understanding notary and a very awesome clerk of court official we are, at least for the moment, finished with those processes that require our attention after a death. The resolve to never take part in any of the proceedings that are thought obligatory by society after one's death also includes funerals. I'm not avoiding death, quite the contrary, I'm actually quite aware of it. However, I refuse to take part in these crazy rituals most often tainted by religion that people take part in, especially Western society. I find it unnecessary to stand in a hall as I did during my mother's funeral greeting a bunch of people who never saw head or tails of her in the last five to ten years. Nor do I need to hear someone say the proverbial "I know she's up there looking down on us..." As Carlin as known for saying "there is no up there." Thankfully A and I have similar views about death and how we want our loved ones to proceed afte we die. Hopefully, we will be lucky enough to die at the same time, no matter how horrific just to avoid the crazy racket that may ensue from our families.

After my mom's death, there was a family reunion/pizza party held at my aunt's house because my brother and another aunt had been called home from their tour of duty in the Middle East. It was jovial and full of laughter until I ruined the party with my "attitude." This attitude was my wanting to decide what was to be done quickly and get the fuck out of there. It is to their fortune that I had taken two of my mother's valiums (a parting gift of sorts during that time) lest they had known my true thoughts in that moment and thus received a real attitude.

either way none of this really matters as I've since moved a couple of hours away with the hope of adding to the distance in the future. For so long I allowed these instilled familial obligations such a family dinners, phone calls, etc etc to dictate how I spent holidays and so forth. In college I was able to put a little bit of distance between those obligations that my family projected on to me, but I couldn't quite escape them. However, I would fantasize about not having to see certain members of my family and not attend family functions. It wasn't until my mom died thus severing the ties that bound me to these obligations that I realized: I don't have to be around these people and their bigotry and negativity if I don't want to. It's that simple. It helps to have  A on my side rooting for me to remove myself from situations I feel so strongly against.