something happening here

recently I emailed a friend and former coworker from my ESL job in South Korea and said:

"People here are just o.k. with their little lives and yes I say little, because i feel like I've moved on to something bigger and want more"

and he said:

I felt the EXACT same way !! I used to be their good listening friend, but I just didn't give a shit and they saw that..It was awkward...

indeed it is awkward, because I can only give my "i-give-a-shit" ear/face for so long, and then I'm like "are you kidding me." this doesn't necessarily mean that I think I'm better (o.k. maybe just a little), but damn it i know there is more out there, and I'm trying to get to that. however, if others want to remain on the same monotonous rotation of bs their whole lives then so be it. just don't expect me to give a damn when you start complaining about stupid shit.

something I'm looking forward to:

while the whole of the world is working steadfastly to look younger and/or slow down the aging process, I'm actually looking forward to getting older and acquiring a few wrinkles/laugh lines. For the past year all I can think about is how I'm ready to enter the next decade of my life. Yes I'm only 24 and that next decade is another six years away which leaves a lot of life to be lived. Six more years that I plan to live to the fullest, but to be honest though I keep hearing and reading that once a person gets close to entering that 3rd decade of their life things calm down and are a lot more peaceful. It seems that all those insecurities of your early 20s begin to melt away, there is more certainty and direction, and that one's 30's are even more forgiving. Of course in my 30s or not, I like the thought being forgiving because really that is something I need to work on. I preach it and even practice it outwardly, but I don't always practice it inwardly. does that even make sense?

When I was young(er) I thought the ideal age was 25, but now I'm thinking that's not so. not one bit.

what do you think the ideal age is?

in due time?

there's been some unsteady ground beneath my feet before, but until now I've been pretty confident that it didn't matter, and that no matter what direction things in my life took, the unsteady ground could kiss my ass because I was gonna keep on keeping on. Even when things are a little hectic I'm the one who dons her superwoman suit with a "bring it on" attitude. For years the thought "don't think about it" has gotten me through all kinds of crazy shit. however, lately I'm scared and all those defense mechanisms that helped me in the past, aren't even working. I'm home from South Korea with:

no car (soon to not be a problem hopefully)
no job and it's almost a month since I've been at home
wondering what the hell now?
wondering if and how I'll be affected by the current 180 the economy has taken.
realizing some of the people in my life are hindering me, and I'm allowing it.
suffering a horrible writer's block as well as confidence issues when it comes to my writing
wondering where the hell in Korea I left all of my optimism
and thinking maybe a little part of me is still in South Korea, or at least my thinking is.

oh North Carolina, I was looking forward to you, and I harped your greatness everywhere I went, why can't I find my place back in your greatness.

**maybe this is what reverse culture shock is**

tweeking

so there are some things that when they are over that's it, and there are others that drag themselves out spanning over months, maybe years. more often than not it's these things that are drug out that can really rip a person apart, tearing them to pieces and eventually leaving them naked so that it takes all they have to pick themselves up, reconstruct piece by piece that person they thought could withstand any storm. after the reconstruction they are not that same person, and with every storm afterwards they lose a piece of themselves, forcing their persons to go in search of that missing piece on someone else's person, or even worse drowning themselves in the provocations of materialism. however, as soothing as these things can be, they aren't honest, and can't fill the space of what's missing. there are two kinds of people: those that aware of this missing piece and seek only that, while the other just knows he's missing something and therefore will tear every person he comes upon to shreds, looking for that "something" he's missing. the former knows that often this missing piece can not come from one single person or any person at all, it must come from somewhere else.

so this is where I am: searching for some pieces that while they aren't missing, were misplaced and just need to be sought out.

some more good stuff

recently a comment on one of my blogs had me thinking about a writer I had forgotten, until mentioned.

Federico Garcia Lorca:

ditty of first desire

In the green morning
I wanted to be a heart.
A heart.

And in the ripe evening
I wanted to be a nightingale.
A nightingale.

(Soul,
turn orange-colored.
Soul,
turn the color of love.)

In the vivid morning
I wanted to be myself.
A heart.

And at the evening's end
I wanted to be my voice.
A nightingale.

Soul,
turn orange-colored.
Soul,
turn the color of love.

sonnet of sweet complaint

Never let me lose the marvel
of your statue-like eyes, or the accent
the solitary rose of your breath
places on my cheek at night.

I am afraid of being, on this shore,
a branchless trunk, and what I most regret
is having no flower, pulp, or clay
for the worm of my despair.

If you are my hidden treasure,
if you are my cross, my dampened pain,
if I am a dog, and you alone my master,

never let me lose what I have gained,
and adorn the branches of your river
with leaves of my estranged Autumn.

one of my favorites by one of my favorites: Ballad
by Sonia Sanchez
(after the spanish) forgive me if i laugh you are so sure of love you are so young and i too old to learn of love. the rain exploding in the air is love the grass excreting her green wax is love and stones remembering past steps is love, but you. you are too young for love and i too old. once. what does it matter when or who, i knew of love. i fixed my body under his and went to sleep in love all trace of me was wiped away forgive me if i smile young heiress of a naked dream you are so young and i too old to learn of love.

inspiration on a rainy day

so I was reading one of my favorite blogs: Maybe It's Just Me, and he (Topher Payne) said something that was quite inspiring and leaves one with something to think about:

"It’s like that question of what you’d grab if your house was on fire. We live with an abundance of stuff in our hard drives and houses, which we really could walk away from if what’s important had to fit in a CD, a Prius, or a studio apartment. And that’s actually reassuring.
It’s been said that you can’t take it with you. But if you really examine your life, often you realize you don’t really need to after all."

lately, I have been doing an assessment of sorts of things in my life (physical and non), and deciding on how much I really need them. i.e would my life really be that different without them? the world is full of things that are made to soothe us, yet none of them are honest nor are they leading us any closer in the direction we should be going: closer to ourselves by being honest as well as closer to those we love.


p.s. I know i've been a little blog-crazy today, but I'm here, by myself, with nothing to do, and it's raining. hard. besides I've already spent about an hour solving Sudoku puzzles, and about two hours reading, and about 30 minutes writing (journal). So, what else is there to do other than post about random inspirations and read other's blogs?

my ABCs

taken from love. living. small. this is a tag I thought was different:

A. Attached or single? single and in waiting.

B. Best friend? my Say.

C. Cake or pie? cake -- yellow butter cake with no frosting or red velvet with cream cheese frosting

D. Day of choice? Sunday.

E. Essential item? baby lotion and chap stick.

F. Favorite colour? blue -- royal or cobalt blue

G. Gummy bears or worms? Gummy bears.

H. Hometown? Gastonia, North Carolina

I. Favorite indulgence? iced caramel macchiatos from Star Bucks. Real Simple magazines.

J. January or July? July because it's the month I was born although it can be blistering hot in North Carolina.

K. Kids? maybe some day.

L. Life isn’t complete without? love. humor. literature. friends. good food.

M. Marriage date? who knows.

N. Number of magazine subscriptions: 1.

O. Oranges or apples? oranges.

P. Phobias? acrophobia.

Q. Quotes? "live to the point of tears" camus (i think). "go confidently in the direction of your dreams! Live the life you've imagined" thoreau. "the point is to live everything" rilke

R. Reasons to smile? I'm in VA right now. Fall is coming. Future is Bright.

S. Season of choice? Fall.

T. Tag 5 people.

U. Unknown fact about me? I have this amazing memory for numbers: telephone, birthdates, driver's license, credit card numbers, your credit card numbers (ok just kidding on that last one :]).

V. Vegetable? tomatoes or carrots

W. Worst habit? procrastination.

X. X-ray or ultrasound? ultrasound

Y. Your favorite foods? pasta. cooked ham. tomatoes. red velvet cake. yogurt.

Z. Zodiac sign? Cancer - water sign.

day one:

so it's about 730 am and I was up with D so as to go run, but I walked outside and it's raining. Not hard, but just hard enough and cold enough with the wind blowing to keep me from running. The flight went well despite the turbulence close to the end that had me thankful I hadn't eaten. Last night D and I ate at this Korean restaurant. Because the main dish comes with a load of side dishes we split a plate of kimchi fried rice. It wasn't the same as eating Korean food in Korea, but it was damn close. I wasn't meaning to speak Hangul (language of Korea), but it was like I couldn't help myself. It was like the Korean that I had been speaking for the past year, that had been trapped inside from three weeks of having left the country had to release itself. I said "thank you" and the waitress eyes got bigger than I thought possible considering the smallness of her eyes. Anyways for some damn reason I did say I knew Korean, but then played it off because D was sitting there. I acted some shy little five year old by turning my head. wtf? i'm not five, I'm 24. though young I'm a far cry from a child as far as I'm concerned and I need not shy away or resort to defense mechanisms to protect myself.

Anyways, after returning to the house we both had a drink, talked a while and called it a night since he has to be up early.

side note: I've not even been here 24 hours and already I feel like stepping outside of my body and asking myself "what the fuck is your problem." pardon the language, but it's like that. I'm so frustrated with myself, and i'm not even sure how to even articulate this frustration. more on that later.

well duh...

Clay Aiken is "admitting" he is homosexual.

first of all: I'm willing to bet that everyone who knows who Clay Aiken is, is already aware of this. Hell most of us knew it from the very minute he walked on stage on American Idol.

second of all: I can't believe People magazine is actually paying and running this story. a feature story at that with him on the front cover. Because really...NO ONE GIVES A DAMN!

third of all: NO ONE GIVES A DAMN! So what if he's homosexual? He isn't gonna lose or gain a fan base just cause he's admitting his sexual preferences. Nothing is gonna change just because he's "coming out."

oh and fourth of all: this is a prime example of one our problems (our: the whole of America). we are so caught up in everyone else's life, and we can't even find direction in our own. Not only are we caught up in everyone else's life, but we would rather here about the scandal, someone's sexual preference (which really shouldn't be that big of a deal since in the first place), who's screwing over who. I'm not saying I'm not guilty of flipping through the pages certain magazines because I'm curious of other's lives. But really Clay Aiken as a feature story in People. Please.

I've got a flight to catch...

today:

I'm very excited and a little nervous all at the same time...

dear santa;

"I'm looking for love. Real love. Ridiculous, inconvenient, consuming, can't-live-without-each-other love."

Carrie from Sex and the City

six on saturday

so a friend sent me this survey thingy and I thought I'd post it on here. Today is the sixth day of the week so everything is about six...

Six things you plan to do in your near future:

~go to the grocery store (today)
~go on a date (tonight)
~look for a car
~go to Virginia (next week)
~get my head out of my ass and really write something
~look for a job

Six books you've read recently:

~Soul on Ice by Eldridge Cleaver
~The Celestine Prophecy by James Redfield
~The Naked and The Dead by Norman Mailer (still reading)
~Spinoza in The Story of Philosophy by Will Durant (random)
~The Selfish Gene by Richard Dawkins
~Istanbul by Orhan Pamuk (amazing, amazing, take me to Istanbul)

Six people you are thankful for in your life and why:

~My parents (can they be one?) because they exhibit many characteristics I want to rise above and force me to be a strong person.
~Sara Epperson: she is amazing, she keeps me grounded and is a riot on the dance floor. she also helps me get in touch with my inner neo-republican.
~My aunt Karen: she is independent and doesn't take any shit from anyone. She also understands living outside the country can change you in ways you didn't know possible. oh and she is maybe one of the coolest adults I know.
~Dale: he's taught me I can be passionate about something and not raise my voice, inspired me in ways he won't ever know and he's calming.
~Stephanie Neift: she thinks I'm awesome, loves coffee and Italian food (as do I) and has one of the coolest dad's in the world. oh and she also has great insight and quirky knowledge about things.
~my 2 month old nephew because he is a representation that everyone has a chance to better themselves and positively influence the life of something great, and he's so damn cute when he yawns I can hardly stand it.

Six things that really get on your nerves:

~people who condescend or patronize
~people who don't follow through
~rudeness
~very small, ankle biting dogs
~dirty, old men who ogle at me and then have the balls to come on to me.
~ignorant people

Six times when you were really happy:

~my last month and half before I left Korea because I spent a lot of time with some amazing people
~labor day holiday 2006, I went to a spa resort with friends
~seeing Charlotte, NC from the airplane when I came home from South Korea
~this morning when I woke up
~my first day of college
~when my Say came to Korea

Six people you'd like to meet (alive or dead):

~Malcolm X
~Denzel Washington
~Allen Ginsberg
~Ashley Judd
~Don Cheadle
~anyone who's willing to speak up and really fight for change

Six things you love about yourself:

hahahhahaha everything!

~my eyes
~my legs
~my sense of humor
~my passion
~my size
~my ability to be a bitch to ignorant people and they not realize it until later (aka passive aggressiveness)

that's all folks...

randomness from the past week

my nephew

my brother and the cuteness that is his baby (this fam has damn good genes)

I found Kimchi!!!

Landon: my best friend's son. I swear he grew overnight.

Saturday with Heather in Asheville. yes, that is a margarita. no, it isn't virgin.

me about to indulge in my liquored goodness i.e. a strawberry margarita that was literally as big as my head

heather and joel in waffle house

in the morning

I woke up at 1130 today and could have kicked my own ass for sleeping so late. The past two days I have not got up until at least 11 and although it felt nothing short of amazing, I don't like to sleep that late. However, I was making up for the lack of sleep I didn't get while being out of town and sleeping in a bed that, even though it was comfortable, it wasn't mine. There is something to be said about knowing something is mine, in my possession, owned by me and no one else. Anyways, my morning routine goes the way of brewing a fresh pot of coffee and sitting down in front of my computer to check emails, read blogs, and catch up on the latest news since my mother rarely watches anything other than LMN and various other movie channels. We do catch the 5:00 news and sometimes even the 11pm news, but I still feel that I'm lacking in my knowledge of what is world news now that I'm at home. It's something about being abroad that makes you want to be aware of everything ALL.THE.TIME. of course the life of the expat also depends on you knowing a little bit about so and so's country when you see them every friday in the bar. After checking my emails and reading various blogs, it's near 12 and I wake my mom lest she sleep all day. I swear we are some hibernating fools around here. Thank god this isn't like college where I have a fridge in my bedroom.

This morning mom's choice of breakfast was french toast, and it seems that now that i'm home mom know longer can just make herself a bowl of Captain Crunch sans the berries thank you very much. Nooooo, she has been requesting things like bacon/egg omelett with light mayo, pancakes (not the freezer kind either), french toast, "grits, sausage, eggs, and bisquits for breakfast today Jennifer." IHOP you better watch ya back. Don't get me wrong I don't mind cooking, but I'm not really a breakfast person. Give me a cup of coffee and I'm fine until lunch time. So to be cooking breakfasts fit for a king is not exactly how I want to spend my mornings EVERY DAY OF THE WEEK. On the flip side of that coin, this is practice in case I marry someone who is one of those "breakfast is the most important part of the day and I need to fulfill each of the food groups" types.

As to my week spent in western North Carolina, it was really great to see people, but things have changed so much that I felt like I'd been graduated for ten years rather than a year and a half. A few professors worked real hard to persuade me into pursuing my Master's in TESOL, and although it is tempting because I already have that real world experience in ESL and the course load would take me no more than two years, I don't know if I want to be back in the college life. western carolina university college life. even as a grad student. Ok, actually I miss the world of academia A LOT, but I just don't think I want to go back to WCU. I loved it, and I still love it, but there is something very appealing in attending a university where no one recognizes me. Anyways the important thing about my visit is that I got to see some people who were and are very dear to me that I missed like WOAH while in South Korea.

Is it just me, or is every third person my age getting married and popping out children although not necessarily in that order. However, I will say that most of the people that could have children aren't. When I say "could" I mean they are financially stable (I know how unstable things are right now, but I'm talking both parties hold a decent-paying job, have a decent roof over their head, aren't doing anything illegal to supplement their household income or pay their bills) and have a seemingly loving and secure relationship. It's these idiots who are nowhere near ready to support a child emotionally or financially. I recently found out that there are 35 young girls pregnant at the high school down the road. 35!!!!! high school students who may or may finish our their year and graduate on time because what are they doing. Having sex. obviously unprotected at that. WTF people? Recently, a friend told me about a student who had met a girl on Facebook and had been conversating with her on the phone. Well said student, who is 16 mind you, has told his mother he is going to fly to meet this girl. Oh did I forget to mention the girl lives in New Hampshire! Most importantly though, the weekend was planned so that it would be on a weekend when her parents were going to be out of town. Well, the mother of said 16 year old BOY has asked Amanda for advice in the situation. I have one thing to say to you MOM: be a a MOTHER and tell your kid to park his ass cause he isn't going anywhere, open your eyes and start paying attention.

ok so after all that I've worked up an appetite, so I'm gonna go stuff my face. Look for a picture post later today...I went to my first state fair last weekend and I've pictures.

so not motivated

I apologize for my absence, but the motivation to write has been seriously lacking. actually there are plenty things I'd like to write about, but the ability to express these things and articulate my thoughts into something more than just meaningless babble is also non-existant at the moment. I'm currently in western North Carolina visiting some old haunts and making my rounds at my university to visit those I've not seen in the past year. only problem with that is either everyone is gone or when I see people I thought i'd be excited about seeing, i'm not excited at all. AT ALL. anywho, I've taken lots of pictures (I went to my first ever fair complete with animals, funnel cake, lemonade, ferris wheels, and cotton candy) so I'll have some posting to do once I'm home.

week one

well I've been home a full week, and I'm it's crazy how easy it was to slip back into my old life(style). I expected my arrival to stick out like a sore thumbafter having spent a year abroad. for the most part my transition has been quite easy, although I still haven't gotten used to seeing some of the things I see that are only seen in small towns. i.e. copious amounts of redneckedness. (I just made that word up) I know it was mostly a change from the inside, and in small ways I can tell the difference between my new self and my old self per se. I think those around me also notice a change, at least a small one, because it seems as if some people are tip toeing around me waiting as if I'm a ticking time bomb. I've lived abroad so I've a touch of "them" on me and there is a chance i'm a traitor to the "us" that people in a small town often acquaint themselves with. I must admit that already I've brought up two very touch subjects and defended myself on my opinions to my father and his mother, two people who I usually skirt around and avoid issues with in hopes of bypassing any kind of argument, especially my father. it felt so good to just let them know that I was no longer going to feed into their narrow mindedness, and that I was no longer scared to say how/what I feel just because they think otherwise. you really can't imagine this feeling until you experience it. it's something close to elation, freedom to be able to say close to or exactly what you have wanted to say for so long.

the rest of my time has been spending time with my nephew, cooking awesome dinners, reading, going out with friends as they realize i'm now stateside, and counting to ten and then back so I do not lash out at my mother when she works my nerves.

there are a few things I'm missing about my life in South Korea, and I'm sure as time passes I'll begin to yearn for the expatriate life, but for now I'm keeping our leather couch company with my cat while watching reruns of Golden Girls and Lifetime movies with my mother...(yes I said lifetime movies)